Diary

January 1, 2026 
It is so fucking hot today--at around 9:30am the real feel sensation was already 38C. It is now 13:11, and the thermometer real feel is at 39. I don't know how anyone actually  enjoys this heat. Haven't even had the courage to turn 
off the AC. 
I played some Fallout New Vegas (will I ever actually finish this game?), and re-heated yesterday's ribs--gave a small piece to Pastel, as a little "Happy New Year" type of gift.
I think I will read a bit of Stursia fanfic now, and then maybe either get back into studying a bit of HTML (it's been so long), or copy editing  (for work because why not)...
Did a full page of drawing exercises and watched two writing lectures :)
    
January 3, 2026 
Forgot to update yesterday... Basically I worked, went to the gym, and JG (a friend) came back from his trip and spent the night here. His boyfriend, P, also came over a bit (pun slightly intended, from what I gathered).
Today JG and I went to the beach--at first it felt amazing but then we noticed all the trash, likely from the New Year. Such a shame! But as we tried thinking of what to eat the ocean cleared up a bit so we went back there and I may have
forgotten to re-apply my sunscreen... Big, big mistake... Shockingly my face is pretty okay (Lizard brand really is all that!!), but my shoulders, chest, and back... oof! Let's just say I doubt I will have a nice night of sleep, and
I probably won't be able to go out at all tomorrow (today I will force myself to go to a birthday but I don't think I will be able to handle a bra).
Pastel is looking extra cozy in his bag/bed, playing with his new toy while he lays down (lazy just like me). JG went downstairs to meet with a friend. I am finally downloading the series B (another friend) recommended (to this day I still
always spell it "reccomended" for some god forsaken reason). Might also watch an uni lecture? Or practice drawing, I don't know... Kinda want to play video games but JG will likely come back soon-ish and I am not a fan of being interrupted
mid-gameplay.
    
January 4, 2026 
So, JG didn't come "soon-ish"--in fact, he didn't come over at all. Still a bit frustrated with him if I am being fully honest, but whatever. A's birthday was pretty good, though I was feeling quite nauseous and my skin felt like 
it was on fire. On the way back home I even bought a stronger "post-sun" aloe vera thing, and layered it with what I already had, plus covered myself in a cold wet towel to sleep. Ended up oversleeping, shockingly enough haha!
Today I vacuumed the house a bit and did the dishes (JG said he would do them but never did). It was raining a lot earlier in the morning, and now it's at least not as hot as the other days. Gotta go cook soon, and for once I am actually
sad that I don't have onions or carrots (tried buying some the day before yesterday at the market but they all looked so disgusting, like they were a second away from rotting). Anyways! I did some drawing exercises (walk cycle, turn around,
bouncing ball, and even a 4-panel storyboard)! All on a notebook with no plans to actually animate any of it, but it was nice! Maybe I will finally get back to drawing this year :)
Ah, I did start the series B recommended, but I don't think it's my cup of tea. Will have to think of how to break the news to him, since he loved Pluribus (which I recommended to him).
    
January 6, 2026 
Gun to my head, I don't remember what I did yesterday. I think just work, a bit of tidying up, and JG came over at night to pick up his things (and of course I made him watch the Pluribus pilot). I have a feeling I drew a bit too?
Maybe watched uni lectures? Unsure. Ohh, wait--yeah, I did my luggage I think? Or was that today?

Anyways. Today I worked, did clean the living room a bit, spent about two hours at the gym--went up in a few of the weights, which is good! Progress, progress, progress! Been reading some good Stursia fanfics too :) 
Onto the not so good news, though: mom overdosed. Again. Not even a full week into the new year, not even a full month since her last overdose. As per usual, I found out because my dad was the only one calling and picking up the
phone, so I pressed him a bit about it and lo and behold my suspicions were confirmed. We didn't dwell too much into it--what do you say after years of overdoses? I guess there isn't much left, right? Same old. I darkly chuckled that maybe
our trip wouldn't happen anymore and he echoed the sentiment. Maybe that's our way of tiptoeing around the big elephant in the room: doctors said if she kept at it her organs would likely start to...fail? I don't remember the exact language.
Hell, even overdose isn't the exact terminology here because it's fucking marijuana, and it's more of a "her body can't filter it anymore" than a "she smoked so much in one go she overdosed"! But "overdose" is the closest
term, it's easier than saying something like "she had yet another episode of Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome (CHS)" or whatever. That's too long, too complicated--nobody has the time for a whole fucking lesson, for a
mouthfull of a term--easier to just call it overdose and be done. Just like it's easier to focus on the trip, the vacation, than the health implications, than the future consequences of those actions. Will she die? Will they have enough
money to retire? To take care of themselves? Will they go into debt? Will she be hospitalized?

Overdose. Vacation. Easier. Simpler. 
Just a little dust swept under the rug--nothing to see, nothing to concern ourselves with. Out of sight, out of mind. I put the phone away, my dad turns up the television volume. Each of us drowns it out in our own way, however we can. 
Guilt claws at my throat, into my chest, rips open my ribcage. Breathe, Breathe, breathe. Focus on something else--yes, yes, there are three documents from students that still need revision, there's a work meeting tomorrow morning so
I can't do my blood work then, but maybe I can get Pastel his vaccines? It is overdue, after all! And then... Think, think, think! Gotta fill up that space so as to not dwell on it! Maybe... I can clean the house? Bake some cookies!
Maybe that brownie I have been promising the peoplle who work in the building--yes, yes, that sounds like a plan! And if there's still time left... A fanfic? Some drawing? Lectures? A game? A book? All good ideas! All helpful to keep those
cumbersome thoughts away! It's not even hot out anymore, but turning the AC on will ensure that I feel sleepier--feeling cold will probably make me fall asleep faster, and then I won't have time to worry.
Fuck, forgot my meds! Can't have that, no sir, or else I won't fall asleep. One, two, three--three pills, some of them not that little, unfortunately! Knock some whey shake back, makes them slide easier, gives me more nutrion after two toast
slices for dinner--one with nutella, one with minas cheese! Not bad, but not that nutritious I guess? Song shifted from Weyes Blood to The Smiths. I wonder if that one fanfic author posted the Stursia sequel! I think my friend (?) is still
low key trying to flirt with me--ignore, ignore, ignore. 
    
January 7, 2026 
Finished reading a really good Stursia fanfic, and that's about all I can say on the "good news" front for today. Well, that and the fact that my dad is really enjoying Pluribus!

But besides that...

It was really hard to fall asleep yesterday. I distracted myself with fanfic until midnight (very uncommon for me, I am usually asleep by 10pm), and then I kept tossing and turning. Even turned on the AC, despite the night being 
chillier, but no dice. I don't know what time I finally fell asleep, and while I vaguely remember dreaming I also think it was a nightmare (at the edge of my memory I can recall carrying a crab that pinched me in the dream--very 
unpleasant!)

Had a work meeting today, which went good actually. I put my foot in my mouth far too many times though, I really shouldn't socialize when I am not in a great mood. A student, who I admitedly disliked for the most part (pretty rude and never
sent what was asked of her) mentioned suicide and using films as escapism in her essay and that--well, it hit a bit close to home, right? Not all of it--she mentioned violence and death, and the suicide bit was not clear whether it was 
about her considering suicide, or someone close. But all in all--not exactly great for my mental health, given the current situation. On top of that, dad did vaguely mention his worries about money--not much, I think he wants to spare
me, but you know... some bits always slip through the cracks.

I made an egg to go with leftovers today, but I didn't bake. Couldn't gather the energy to do so, couldn't make up my mind about what the fuck even I should bake. I karaoked some old disney songs in the shower at the top of my lungs though
(my neighbors probably hate me now). But that's about it... Not much going on (nothing's new, nothing's new, nothing's new). I did tidy up the living room and bathroom a little bit more. Guess progress is progress, no matter how 
small, right?

I think I will have toast for dinner again, read some fanfic, maybe try watching the movie or the series the fanfic mentioned, or see if Fallout's new episode is out already. Who knows.
    
January 11, 2026
NOTE: I actually typed this out on my phone, and now I'm retyping it! I could've sworn I had done more than one entry while on my trip, but I guess I must've forgotten? Anyways, here's what I wrote on the notes app!
  
Ok so I haven't updated in a few days I think? Will have to scramble my brain to remember everything that happened.

But yesterday! I missed two alarms and went to the airport in a rush. Only when I was at the gate did I realize that I had forgotten to leave the key at the reception for AS! Had to rush out and get an uber delivery--sweated like a pig from
all the nerves.

The flight was ok; ML teased me about not being relaxed enough for someone who was on their day off. I tried the Lebanese gelato which was quite good though very expensive. SM and I met up at the hotel; it felt pretty surreal to be honesst!
Nearly two years since we had last seen each other. We had brunch with ML, and dinner with AK! Chatted so much, though I feel like I rambled. We weent to AK's place and met her cats! :)

We met up with soooo many people [today]! It was fun actually!! Met some of SM's friends, and AK's partner--all very cool!! We didn't get to do all of the cultural things we had planned but it was still really cool!
At night though I realized I found out a while back JS was being ironic and now I feel really fucking stupid. Put a wee bit of a damper on my mood. I think maybe I only understand irony when it is someone I am INSANELY close to?
    
January 17, 2026
Got back from the trip on Thursday (the 15th)! I will try to do a recap of everything from the 12th until today :)

Monday the 12th: SM and I visited Liberdade! Strolled around some stores--I even bought a manga, had been so long since I've last done that--looked at some clothes and books. Had lunch at a superb Filipino restaurant and then went to
the Sakura Card Captor collab cafe (very cute)! At night we had dinner with our boss, RP, at an Arab place, and then went to a... bar? Dive bar? Honestly, I don't know how to call it.

Tuesday the 13th: SM and I actually worked lmao. Woke up with a wee bit of a sore throat, but didn't know yet if it was the AC, the night out, or a cold (spoiler: it was a cold). Got some Russian food delivered (absolute banger), and
at night we went to a Japanese restaurant with ACM. That's where my troubles really took a dive lol! The Karagee Curry was way spicier than I expected, and I barely slept that night. The night was really good though! I got so nervous every
time ACM reached out to touch my hands and arms, felt like a loser virgin (no offense to virgins, though I am not one--but I felt like I lived in a basement and had never known the touch of a beautiful woman).

Wednesday the 14th: SM and I went to the office! CPe (look, I am spelling her name like this because just CP feels wrong) asked if I was a mirage (god, I could've combusted right then and there) and hugged me. All of my
crushes did, to be fair. Felt like heaven, even though I was miserable. I mentioned feeling nauseous and ML quickly got me some meds. Took them, started nearly drifting away from my soul during CPe's presentation, and by the end I
realized I really would need to go back to the hotel to pass out and likely throw up. Everyone at the office was worried about me, especially HR (CO? I think it's O) and my crushes (ML, CPe, ACM). Felt like a lamb being held! They were so
helpful and kind and ugh I regretted not going back to the office (I told them I would be back but alas the meds knocked me out cold! I only woke up to throw up, twice). Still, at night SM and I went to Karaoke because c'mon, last night in
Sao Paulo! Most people skipped it, unfortunately, but I got to meet some new people (L from out of the company and LL, who I had only ever "met" briefly online). AK and her partner (N...something) went, as did IB! We barelyy sang to be 
honest--we mostly gossiped lol.

Thursday the 15th: Felt shockingly better. SM and I had lunch with ALS, her partner, and their babies! So freaking cute! It was so refreshing talking in English again, I truly had missed it. And I really missed them!! It was really 
nice!! SM and I almost lost our flights haha.

Overall Sao Paulo was great! We also got to meet up with APS, which was great because we hadn't seen her in so long! Met so many people whose company I enjoyed, saw sooooo many people with alternative fashion and hmmm more of a... free
gender expression? If that makes sense? I feel like Rio lacks that a lot of the time. Saw so many butches and mascs, I was so fucking happy! And we had so much delicious food, though next time I gotta focus on having a nice lunch and very
light dinner so as not to get sick again.

Yesterday I mostly worked and nap after my meds. Today I told a friend (? he hits on me a bit so hm, friend but still a man so of course it's complicated) a bit about my gender... gender. Got asked about pronouns, and actually
answered this time around. I am set on starting T in April, no matter what--I feel like everything is showing me that it is time, I have dwelled on it too long already. I am excited and nervous! I look in the mirror, and I close my eyes,
and I keep picturing how much I will change. Will I change? Externally? Internally? Will I want to stop? Or to increase the dosage? I don't know, and I've always been terrified of the unknown. But it is also... a bit exciting. 

I already have a plan, more or less. I told very few people about planning on starting, and after I officially start start I will tell a few more (most likely AT and ALS... maybe APS too). Then once changes start to slowly show up I will
do another round of "coming out".
As for my parents... I think I will probably wait until I cannot hide it anymore. Maybe I will tell my dad, but not my mom, that's for sure. Maybe my aunt? 

For now, I don't really care about pronouns all that much... In public, I guess She in Portuguese, She or They in English. He is fine in either language in private, but not in public. Not yet. This might change if my appearance changes and 
I start "passing". We shall wait and see, I guess!

Oh, I did find a Rugby shirt at a thrift store :) It was still a bit pricey, but hey--I've been looking for one for a while now! In Rio it will be nearly impossible to use it, but I am starting to think that I may end up moving to Sao Paulo
in the not so distant future.

I think that's it for updates :) It's already 10:35PM, I need to take my meds and head to bed, pronto!
    
January 18, 2026
Lmao ok so yesterday I was deadass thinking of who I would come out to, what order, yadda yadda... Well! Turns out CO apparently at some point told AK that I'm trans! Mind you, I never told her that, so I guess she just... assumed?
Based on my name? Looks? Who knows! It's a lawsuit waiting to happen but eh, I like my job too much so I guess during the office event this year I will pull her aside and mention that she shouldn't do this again because another person
might've not been so laidback about it. Anyways! Ended up having the whole gender conversation with AK, opened up a bit, told her about my plans of starting T in April, all that jazz.

Besides that... The day went really well! Pastel didn't want to eat properly, which isn't good but also isn't surprising given the heat. I met up with N(something), AK, and met three of their friends! We got brunch together and then
did some turisty stuff--was way nicer than I expected, but I did end up spending money (which I wasn't planning on doing before the end of the month). But eh, you only live once, right?

My health is geteting better, but I am expelling a lot of... *google translate* phlegm? Had to spit in public today, which was nasty.

The soap opera is irritating me, I might have to find a cut of only the lesbian scenes because nearly every other character pisses me off. 

I think that's about it! I saw some amazing sextoys online and I am sitting on my hands to not order them and have them delivered to my parents' (wayyyy too expensive to get it shipped here). But man oh man, they look quite good! Yesterday
(I think?) I spent an embarassing amount of hours fantasizing about ML and creating scenarios of us with friends... I should stop that but eh, it's fun to jsut let your imagination run wild sometimes, right?

I will do a nasal flush now, take my meds, give Pastel his fresh food, and probably read fanfic before falling asleep. Night-night!
    
January 22, 2026
Holy shit, I didn't realize it had been so long since I updated?? I've been SO tired and sleepy lately, for no apparent reason! It's driving me nutsssss!! When it gets to like, 6pm, I am already craving sleep.

Ok, fuck, what happened this week? Uhhhh... I went grocery shopping at some point... Baked my parmesan biscuits (fuck they hit SO hard but maybe they are somehow making me sleepy??)... Cooked some "fettucine alfredo" (a sorry imitation of 
it)... Oh, I cleaned the house, finally! It was sooooo dusty! Vaccumed and swiped the floors, plus two laundries! I haven't folded everything yet though... Was supposed to do that today but ended up going to a doctor's appointment,
groceries (again), and washing the pile of dishes (mostly from yesterday).

I had forgotten how insanely attractive my doctor was and felt so awkward when she was taking my measurements and getting my heartbeat. It was pathetic the way I tried to focus on anything else so my heartbeat would stay normal lol.
I did tell her about wanting to start T after we deal with the whole thyroid shit though!! So yay? It's becoming a bit easier to tell people and it's making it feel more real, in a way. 

Ok, I am already falling asleep, I need to turn off the laptop and throw myself into bed. Fuck, what the hell is happening to me?
    
January 24, 2026
I had some weird ass dream last night about losing track of time, legit forgetting about whole days, sometimes weeks... And this diary was what made me realize that! Very weird nightmare.

Anyways! Tried making vietnamese coffee again... failed again. Last time it was too weak, this time too strong. Besides that, I spent the day binge watching Ponies (2026) and started All Her Fault (2026). I don't even remember if I took a
shower (though I am almost sure I didn't). Looked up a few options for my future trip with SM (in case we can't save enough for China and/or Japan lmao). Poland seems like a good option! I'm shocked I didn't think of going there while I was
living in Budapest smh. Lithuania also looks like a great option, but it seems like the cool places are a bit more spread out? So I'm not sure how feasible it would be without a car... Will have to check on that!

Well, my curiosity got the best of me. It's actually not too hard to get around with Flixbus, and it looks like it would be cheaper than traveling around China so it might be a good option while we save money for a bigger trip?
    
February 2, 2026
Hey heyyy, long time no see! Uh, where should I start... Well, right now the sound on my TV sounds busted as hell and I honestly can't say why? Sounds muffled??? Like idk the speakers just went to shit? I hope this is temporary!!

Regarding trip with SM: I really think Poland would be the best option! Maybe with a little Greece sprinkled in, but yeah. We could do a whole roadtrip from the south to the north!! SM's friend (LA) also suggested we do S. America so she
could join, but SM said that it would only work for her if it coincided with her trip to Brazil, which... Wouldn't work for me. I mean, maybe it would? I still don't know how my parents will react with me going on T (I am assuming they will
find out before Christmas) so who knows... But current plan is to spend it with them.

Besides that... Well, my foot's bump (?) is back. I don't think it's a blister because 1) I never get blisters in that area, 2) it doesn't look like my regular blisters?, 3) it keeps coming back? Anyways. Might need to check with a doctor,
just in case. And talking about doctors: I gotta check my eyesight, soon. And dermatologist! But ugh, I hate going to the doctor. Such a drag!! Also gotta take Pastel to the vet for his vaccines and yearly check up. And tomorrow I  gotta 
get my blood drawn again to see if we can go through with the thyroid procedure thingy. 

Besides that... Met someone off of Bumble BFF!! She's from Germany and honestly it went way better than I expected!! I am meeting someone from England this week too, if everything goes accordingly. 

Pastel is looking extra cute right now taking a nap on top of the cardboard box I still use to put my laptop higher (yes, I neeed to invest into those little table thingies).

I skipped gym today, but overall I've been going pretty consistently! I do wish the gains came faster though--I feel like my arms haven't been growing as much anymore, and I don't see any difference yet on the chest or back. Maybe I should
really get the personal trainer to update my training.

Landlord hasn't given me the contact of the gas person again which is frustrating, since I lost it. I will have to ask again unfortunately ugh. The stove has been acting extra shitty lately!

    
February 18, 2026
Hooooly shit! I knew it had been a while since I last updated this, but not that it had been THAT long! Shame on me! Uh let's start from the last entry I guess... TV sounds fine now, so who knows what the hell had happened! I've been 
having quite a few nightmares... Had many involving Pastel (from being afraid of him getting a disease from another cat, to forgetting to get a catsitter for two weeks while abroad), had at least one where my parents and I had a terrible
fight, had one where someone used my birth name and then suddenly everyone else started using it too... I guess I must be stressed? On edge? Who knows anymore (surely not me!). 

My foot still has the bump and now I think it might be a callous (news to me! I rarely ever got callouses). I got my eyesight checked and yup, really need glasses. They should be done soon, hopefully. I am trying to get a dermatologist
appointment to check some freckles, spots, yadda yadda. I got Pastel on a health plan (yeah, really) and plan on taking him to get his shots this week or next. The thyroid procedure thing had to be pushed back--not because of my exam,
that actually came out really well--because of Carnival, my doctor being away for awhile, and then me being away. So it will happen a little after Easter which... heavy sigh.

Look, I really wanted to get it done soon not only because--well, you know, there's a damn nodule on my thyroid, but also because I wanted to hop on T! By doing it before March I could start T on April... Now it might have to be pushed
back to what? May? June? Which, I know, I know! I've been mulling over HRT for over a damn decade, but damn. I had everything planned in my head, everything set. So this put a bit of a damper on my mood. Also I noticed my dysphoria
has been getting worse? Which is... Hm! I guess it's harder to put the genie back in the bottle than to keep it locked away? Someone called me handsome and I felt so fucking good! Then more than one friend called me linda and... I don't 
know, it felt... off. Left a bitter taste on my tongue. My friend took a picture of me where I know I look good, but I look so feminine it feels weird looking at it. It's like looking at an attractive woman but not into a mirror?
I don't know how to explain this feeling. It's... weird. 

Well, besides that... I went out with german friend again! It was quite nice!! And the british too!! Really good, and solidified that I go prefer speaking in English when I am talking in the first person (god, this makes me feel like such 
a vira-lata). I also joined a Pluribus GC group (the person who called me handsome is from there) which has been interesting so far!

Still no personal trainer, but I have been pretty good at going to the gym. It has been so unbearably hot lately though that some days I barely want to get out of bed. I think my biceps grew a tiny bit, but besides that there doesn't seem
to be any difference. I thought I waas looking skinnier but now I feel like I look fat, though that might be PMS bloating.

Landlord did finally give me the contact of the gas person but I didn't get that sorted yet. Such a hassle!

    
March 20, 2026
Holy shit, I can't believe it has been a whole MONTH since I last updated this?? What the hell?? Time flew by!!

Uh, let's see... I wear glasses now, and most of the time I do feel more attractive with it haha! It also did help me a lot with reading (no shit)! Pastel got his shots, and I did go to a dermatologist but she seemed so dismissive that I 
might just go for a second opinion. As for the thyroid... sigh.

It looks like it will be way more expensive than initially planned, so I guess I will have to go another route because it is wayyy out of my budget. I don't mind it too much, except for the fact that had I known that previously I would've 
gone the other route months ago. So now it feels like wasted time.

I did tell my friend about disliking feminine compliments and she was very understanding and started shifting her language a bit. It did feel way better, to be quite honest.

On that note: I started reading Pageboy! I do admit at first I felt a bit of jealousy at Page saying his mom allowed him to cut his hair, play the way he wanted to, dress how he wanted. Things did go way downhill for him and I felt bad, but
also oddly... Like, "oh, I relate more to this."

Well, what else... Oh, there was the work trip a few weeks back!! It went really well, actually! I spent the first day with ALS and her family--it felt so nice!! I loved it so much! I really like her and her wife, it always feels like our 
conversations flow effortlessly. Her kids are cute too, but I still feel awkward around them since one is a newborn and the other is a shy toddler. 

The second trip day was in the office and afterwards we went karaoking at a bar. The actual karaoke place was too expensive, so we sort of convinced the bar workers to let us karaoke there instead. It was really fun!!!

Then on the last day ML and I went on a lunch "date"--she joked previously that it was a date so, of course, I bought her a rose. What can I say? Clearly I'm the last romantic. After lunch we got melona (it was my first time having it), and
then she drove me to the airport. I do admit I wanted to kiss her, badly. Alas, she's straight, so no dice. Oh well. 

After all that I came to the States to visit family! Went to Lady Gaga's concert in Miami, got to eat at various restaurants, purchased some new clothes, and got various books from the library. I want to get some more books, despite knowing
I won't have time to finish it all.

Today I got back to work, and also scavanged through old family photos. I think perhaps my mom started dressing me hyper-feminine because as a newborn I looked very much like a boy. On top of that, I had a boy's room, since she only found
out I was a girl during the last trimester ("His dick and balls are gone!", the doctor apparently said).

I have more things to say--many thoughts going around, to be honest. But I would rather continue my book for now. I will have plenty of time to write back home.

    
April 20, 2026
...How the fuck does this keep happening?? How is it already almost MAY?!

I am back home! And talking about home--I am thinking of moving. The rent here is just too fucking high, and I kind of want to live closer to my job and my co-workers (dare I call them friends?)! The only caveat is that it looks like it
will be such a hassle to find a way to move all of my things... Sure, I could start it all over from scratch, but man... I bought so many nice things for this place, I don't want to leave them behind! I will have to find a solution, sigh.

For some reason, Pastel now meows way more than he used to (he barely ever did that, now it's daily and multiple times a day). I'm not sure if he wants me to play with him more, or if something is genuinely bothering him.

Besides that... Well, I did some more bloodwork. Now at the lab they changed my bio sex to male which to me felt odd? Yeah I am going to transition but I felt like exclaiming, "Hold your horses!"
I mean, I didn't even start T!! And I want to start at the lowest possible dose, so it feels like a bit much to change it to male. Alas, I didn't want to bother the nurse with all the details, so I guess now my charts have my birth name
and a M smacked on it. I wish they could do like my doctor, who just writes that my sex is not informed/disclosed. 

Now, about that bloodwork... Ok, so I usually never hold any weight after doing that, I follow all the damn instructions. That time, however, I decided to go grocery shopping--and man, do I regret it! Bloodwork was on Saturday, and on 
Sunday my arm hurt a bit, but nothing too intense. Now it's Monday though and I can't fully straighten my arm--it hurts so fuckign much! I can go to just a smidge over a 90 degree angle, and that's it. Which means no working out, and
pain even to do basic tasks like showering, putting on a shirt, or doing the dishes. I might have to go to the emergency if this doesn't get better soon.

ML is watching the (very queer) series I talked about in the group chat. Ugh, she's so cute. And she was sending audios in the group and being so damn intelligent it makes it hard to not have a crush on her.

    
May 6, 2026
Hello, hello!!! Guess who just started T??? Like, just a few minutes ago?? Hint: the same person who spent almost R$300 on Androgel (oof, why does it have to be so damn expensive?)
The doctor actually told me to use 2 pumps--I was planning on one, but before I even said anything about wanting gel+1 pump she suggested gel and 2 pumps, so...
I will try to write here everyday to keep track of changes and also to keep check on my emotions and any symptoms! I saw some dudes saying that that helped them a lot during their transition, so why not?

Pastel just laid down in front of me. He is lucky that now I gotta wait hours before holding him so there is no risk of me transferring some T to him.

Besides that... Well, there isn't much going on? I've been going to the gym but not as much as I should. Now with T I plan on going daily, at least to do some cardio.

Pretty much everyone at the office already knows about my plans of moving, so there's no backing out now haha! I am looking into some apartments, and am in touch with a realtor. Fingers crossed it works out!!

My thyroid is still a hassle--I gotta do a... cintilografia (no idea how it is called in english), again. Talking about health, I alswso gotta do those resistance exams the cardiologist prescribed me... Deep sigh.

Oh, I drew this week! I finally went to the mail to send ML her perfume, and decided to add a page with drawings!I really hope she likes it--I sure loved drawing and coloring! Even the lineart was fun. I really should go back to drawing.
I low key want to try commissions again, mostly to keep up with the insane price of T. But last timem it was the one thing that bummed me out and ended up straining my relationship with art...

I think that is about it? I have a work meeting in about 15 minutes, so I better hop off of my personal laptop and get into the work one! Might come back here later today! :)

[DISCLAIMER: I'm writing this on the 7th, but it is about yesterday--I waas just too tired to update before sleeping lol] OKAY!! ML got the package!!! She sent many audios and even unboxing videos and mannn I am so happy!!! She loved it!!
Even posted it!!! And then sent me like, double the money than what the package cost, and told me to not return it or she would send it again. She is such a sweetheart, so cute!!

I also worked out quite a bit ! :) Trying to really keep on track now that I started T. ALS found an apartment for me and I actually quite liked it, but my mother was vehemently against it. I know it sounds silly given I am 30, but
she is helping me with the moving costs and rent so I guess I gotta listen to her... Which is, you know... Frustrating.
Still, I was happy that ALS thought of me and even offered to visit the apartment!! It was a really good day :)

    
May 7, 2026
The cookies flavor of the DUX whey is ass. Maybe a smidge better than the chocolate and hazelnut, but still not great. Salted Caramel remains the best one so far! I ordered a pound of it yesterday, alongside some other samples.
Also worked out legs today--god, I hate it to be honest haha! But I guess it can't be helped... I don't want to be like those dudes who get massive superiors and then chicken legs.

And talking about that...

Well, okay, so! Part of me is terrified of when the changed will come, of what might change... Will I get acne? Will I start balding? Will my shoulders and back get hairy? Will my chest look weird if/when it deflates? Will I get bloated?
Will my face look even rounder than it does? Will I one day wake up and not recognize my reflection?

Still, another part of me keeps wondering if T is working at all, which I know is so silly! I mean, I took my first dose of it in just a bit over 48hours--people sometimes take months to notice any changes, and even the little
medication leaflet said it takes at least 3 days! I know it makes no sense to have changes in just two days, I know! But still my mind keeps wondering.

Okay, I have like, 15 minutes before my work meeting so maybe I should take a quick showe. Still trying to finish the nasty whey--ugh, why is it clumpy?

    
May 8, 2026
The strawberry flavor was a bit better, but not great either. Also I found out whey can make your skin oily and more acne-prone so now I am a bit scared since T can also do that... ugh.

Today was the third gel application and still no difference at all, not even in libido. I don't know if this is normal? I did hit the gym again though--third day in a row! And I made an appointment to get a... training schedule? training
set? fuck, I can't english anymore lmao. I am so fucking sleepy and tired and my legs are sore. I just wanted to update tbh.

J replied me on discord! :) Beside that, it was a pretty uneventful day? I did a minor fuck up at work today (forgot to blur out a student's name in a tutorial), so that was a bit of a bummer. Besides that... Eh, not much! I think I will
drink a chamyto with my meds and hit the bed, I can barely think lol! And tomorrow maybe... laundry, cooking, and video games? Should clean my place too, but trying to prioritize stuff.

Pastel has been meowing a bit. I need to buy him some white sand so I can see if there is any change to his stool or urine. Also gotta make an appointment for his teeth cleaning and maybe stool test? And I gotta schedule my exams too. Being
an adult is such a hassle. 

    
May 9, 2026
Holy shit, how is it still so hot?! It's May already--fall--and today the temperature sensation hit 36C!! What the hell!! Jesus fuck.

Besides that... Today was my day off from the gym, so I played a bit of video game and watched a movie (todo sobre mi mama). I noticed I am hungrier, but I am not sure if it's because my body got used to eating more because of the gym, if
it's the T, or because I woke up at around 5:45am. Besides that, I did feel... well, not hornier, exactly, but like I had to touch myself? Like, the physical urge without actually being turned on at all, if that makes sense? So maybe the T
is indeed starting to work? Who knows.

I think I will play some more games. I should clean the house but fuck, it's too damn hot. I already died cooking my lunch. 

    
May 10, 2026
Just started watching Didi--I feel like I heard about it somewhere? Instantly recognized the mom from Saving Face!!

Besides that... I went to the gym today, despite really not feeling like going. Did my parmesan cookies but this time ended up changing the recipe a bit (used lemon and pepper + paprika seasoning instead of oregano) and it did not come out
good lmao. Plus the bottom kind got burnt despite the inside still being soft... Might also be because I didn't have enough flour.

I noticed that I might be taking care of myself more than usual? Like, really trying to keep consistent with the gym--even scheduled for a trainer to build me a workout routine--and trying to eat at least a bit better. Not keeping snacks
around anymore, really trying to cook for myself more, you know? And taking care of my skin too. I think part of it is because of the T, because now I know I can indeed change my appearance, which makes me want to help the process--does
that make sense>

Didi is low key making me nostalgic hehe! All the old internet lingo and all that jazz. Ok ok I will turn off my laptop and focus on the movie before falling asleep :) maybe tomorrow I will write a bit more.

Ah, forgot to say: the temperature finally dropped!!!! Also I bought naked nuts' peanut butter but ugh it's... not good like skippy's. Might need to buy their milk version until skippy comes back.

    
May 11, 2026
I really didn't want to go to the gym today, but I forced myself to do it. Did every exercise I jotted down, despite hating working out my legs. Tomorrow I will get a workout plan done for me--curious about how different it will be from 
what I do now!

I revised uhhh 13 essays I think? Give or take. There is still some to do, so I know tomorrow morning I will be busy. Plus I have two first meetings with students tomorrow.

My stomach is hurting a bit--I can't really tell if it's cramps or something else. My period is supposed to be coming soon, but I'm not sure how T will affect that. Also, my shoulders where I apply the gel were a bit itchy today.

ML sent me an excerpt from a book and I have some thoughts about it, but I am really, really sleepy. It's basically about dreams and the fragility and strength of them and how they relate to us and how we want to be and how we view
ourselves. Very interesting, to be honest, but I feel like I don't have the proper words to talk about it, if that makes sense? I had therapy sessions that got close to some of the topics, like how we sometimes dream up a version of someone
that doesn't really exist. A lot of it is also about chasing happiness and the social nature of humans. Pastel is currently trying to see what I am typing--and now he is trying to get behind the laptop. Tsktsk.

Uhh, what else... Oh, AM/ME (I don't think I gave her a name here yet) asked me how I will change now as a man. Like, what roles I will take, etc. I tried to explain to her that I don't really see myself as anything, not really. Not as a 
man, as a woman, non binary... Half-joked that I identify as the rat from this one european chocolate milk brand. But yeah. We also talked about when we don't llike our reflection and how we see ourselves in pictures, and I really don't
know how to properly explain how I feel. Like, I can feel it, but I can't put it into words. It barely makes sense in my head, much less when I try to talk about it.

Okay, I think I will finish reading and then try to get some sleep. Night night!

    
May 12, 2026
God, the first (?) essay I opened today was about pro-life stuff... This one student took a gap to focus on her SAT and on a pro-life project. I am trying my hardest to not be biased and focus just on reviewing but man, it's hard! And she
wants to go into fucking Pre-Med... So disappointing.

I got a proper workout plan--he didn't want me to keep doing what I currently do lmao, so he basically changed everything. I felt awkward showing my reference pictures and explaining what I want to go for, but thankfully he didn't miss a 
beat. Didn't seem to be judging or anything. It was such a relief!

The two first meetings went well, though for the second one my student was having internet issues. I got scared that maybe it was my internet, but thank god it wasn't. I really don't understand how so many rich families don't invest in good
internet connection, honestly.

Pastel is laying in front of the laptop, swatting my arm with his tail.

I wanted to try that one pizza recipe where the "dough" is actually chicken, but I guess I needed to have set the chicken to thaw the night before. Even after hours on the fridge it was still rock solid. I tried every trick to make it 
thaw, and nothing worked. Some of it ended up half cooking and it looked disgusting. Felt bad about throwing it in the trash, but it was a goner.

Hmm, what else... Oh! Period is sort of coming, so guess that's what the cramps were about. Bummer! My boobs aren't as swollen as usual and I just had a single pimple, which was surprising. I thought that, especially with T, I would be 
round, oily, and covered in pimples. Let's hope I keep on being lucky!

Pastel laid his head on my phone to take a nap. I was caressing him but he deadass streetched his little arm and put his paw on my arm, so I guess he wants me to stop.

I think that's about it, to be honest. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss--will get feedback about my work last year and find out if I will get a raise and/or bonus. Fingers crossed!! Given how insanely expensive Androgel is, I really
hope I get both. It would be a massive help with that and with moving! I also already started jotting down some changes I want to do to my budget, and tomorrow I will finish that once I find out if my salary will increase or not. Let's
hope for the best!!

Battery is low, so I think I might watch a movie before bed. Maybe a foreign one? Who knows. Good night!

    
May 13, 2026
Oh shit, I almost forgot to update today! Was about to shut off my laptop haha.

Okay, let's make it quick because I'm tired and I still need a shower--spent over an hour in the kitchen cooking and got super sweaty and smelly. Did a great bechamel sauce though and the chicken also came out superb!

Got my raise!! And bonus!! And great feedback!!!! Unfortunately my student from last year will go to another advisor, but ML did share with me what he said about wanting my feedback and becoming emotionally dependant on my words! He is such
a sweetheart!

Also, ML now knows about T, but we didn't really talk about it.

Uhhh today was the 1-week mark on T! My period came and my breasts aren't looking massive so maybe T is indeed working? 

Ok, need to lay down, I am sweaty and with back pain. Night night!

   
May 15, 2026
What what the fuck, I could've sworn I had written on here yesterday, this is so fucking weird?

Yesterday and today I was SO fucking tired, like fucking exhausted and for no good reason. And still with some back pain and even some leg pain from when I worked out all the way back on Monday!! I don't know what the hell is going on, but
it's pissing me off because I really gotta hit the gym and I've just barely been having the energy to feed myself. What in the actual fuck, honestly.

Uhhh what else is new... Man, I love ML's humor she is such an asshole! And she is almost my opposite in some ways--she isn't chronically online, she doesn't use the younglings' lingo (I had to explain a meme and a abbreviation to her 
today) and I don't know why the hell I find that so oddly charming. Damn, too bad she is straight. Or good, actually, because if she weren't I'd probably would've hit on her already and possibly would've ruined our friendship. But mannn...
I really wish I could kiss her haha. 

Students are being students, honestly. I am a bnit tired of some of the reviews, not gonna lie. Today I had to do some more hmmm idk how to explain... Like, admin shit? Could fully turn my brain off for a few minutes and it was blissful,
even if I am not a fan of that work (it's AI-related and I think not only that's a fucking plague and drain on resources, it might alsoo take my job and some others' out).

I took a nap with Pastel today--even drooled a bit on his stomach, poor thing.

Haven't really noticed any differences on T tbh. No growth downstairs, no voice drop, no extra body hair. And, thank god: no fucking acne or balding. Really glad for these two ngl.

Ugh, ok, I guess I gotta get my ass up, clean the dishes, and have sometehing for dinner (who knows what though--kinda wanted popcorn but don't want to deal with that mess).

Good night!!

   
May 17, 2026
I knew I was forgetting to do somethings yesterday (besides tidying up my place and doing laundry)! Ok so, yesterday and today I slept a lot. Like a lot  a lot. I've been slightly tired lately and couldn't figure out why... Today I
finally googled, "does T make you sleep more?" and voila--yes it does. I am sleeping like a teenager. Not great! I already sleep quite a lot daily, should not be sleeping even MORE. But alas, I guess that means that even though I 
can't really see any changes, T is indeed working. Gotta have some patience, I guess.

I gotta buy Pastel his little stick and ball toy that he loves so we can play together. I think he is upset that now he mostly plays with "robots". Gotta become a better parent for him!!

Hmmm, what else... Well, yesterday I played some video games and organized (and cleaned!) the kitchen cabinet--well, the top ones with food and plates. Gotta do the same for the bottom ones with the pans. Being an adult is such a hassle. 

Okay, it's almost 11am and I got a coffee date with a friend at 3pm, so I better at least shower and put on my T gel! Let's see if I remember to update this later today :)

oH, WAIT! Before I leave: yesterday I decided to use this dildo I have that is not great quality and I realied it had a rod inside--I pulled it out (the clearly-not-actually-silicone was already partially torn) and uhhh it ended up with a
little hole. So I thought, "Huh! What if I put my junk in there and try to use it like a stroker?" Boy oh boy did I love it! It clearly is not the intended use for it, the size was a bit off, there is no suction, but just being inside and
having the visual and the sensation of jacking it... I guess I do have to invest on a proper stroker/pleasure sleeve now!

Ok, now I really gotta start getting ready :) Be back later (maybe)

   
May 20, 2026
I did buy Pastel his toy!! He was so happy, he practically unpacked it himself. He is now napping in his little green box with his face squished against the wall. 

The coffee date was really good!! But we made the mistake of also going to a restaurant--expensive, we both got stomach issues afterwards, and the food wasn't even worth it. I had missed hanging out with IH!! She told me all about her dates
and the insanety of the dating scene. I also told her I started T and she said that if I ever end up doing top surgery I can call her and she will take care of me since she is a vet and knows all about bandages and tidying up stitches etc!
She is such a sweetheart, I am really glad we were able to stay friends!! She also said she will try doing an internship in Sao Paulo, so maybe we will still see each other soon-ish after I move!!

Which brings me to: I made an offer for an apartment. The realtor hasn't replied to me in ages so I had to do the offer directly. Fingers crossed it works out!

Today marks 2 weeks since I started T. I forgot to take pictures of my face and to record my voice. I can feel a pimple coming in on my chin--ugh. 

I have for sure been hornier. And even about things that before didn't get me horny, like women in suits? My attraction towards ML also has intensified even more, which isn't great.

Hmm, what else... Oh, I went to a school fair yesterday. Interacting with the students was fine, actually, but everything else... Ugh. I regret accepting this haha! At least now even other departments are praising me, so hopefully I won't
get axed any time soon? I have another fair on Friday too, such a hassle. And still some piles of texts to go through... 

I think that's about it, though! Not much going on. My leg still hurts, can't tell for sure why (maybe gym?). I need to get back in the gym too, I haven't been in... fuck, maybe a week? Fuck.

   
May 25, 2026
Damn, I haven't updated in a while huh!! Okay uh, what happened, let's see...

On Friday, I went to another school fair! That one went WAY better!! Some of the students even praised my presentation, I was so happy! Quite a few came back more than once, and one talked to me about anime and said I reminded her of a
YouTuber (but she couldn't remember his name). I got over 40 files filled out! :)

AM and I played Bokura!! It's pretty neat, we both been making specific voices to read out the dialogue--I guess it's a bit dorky, but it's fun! Voice acting low key hehe. 

Uhhh, AT, ML, and I got on a video chat one of those days which was really nice. At one point I did that GenZ thing of taking the phone from up above my head to idk my chin or something? Back and forth really fast, and ML copied me and we 
laughed!The other day she also sent a picture (one of those you can only look at once, I forgot what they are called) and I commented on her eyes and she said something like, "Will I one day find a man who notices me like you do?" as in
like, pay attention to small details and things about her I guess? Sigh I wish I could be that man, I really do. But I know that despite transitioning I won't be the man she wants, you know? She likes D only and it's fine it's fine, I only
like V so I get it, I do. But yeah, I know she won't ever see me that way. I am happy that she says I make her laugh nearly every day though.

Anyways. I need to pay more attention to what I say because I accidentally hurt ALS today and then felt like shit, got super anxious and wanted to cry, lost my appetite and everything. So I gotta be more careful, because I do often speak
before I can really think about what I am saying, if that makes sense.

LL and AK checked out an apartment for me during the weekend and it seems like it's even better than I thought it would be. Fingers crossed I am able to get it and that things go smoothly! I am scared about not getting the contract or of it
being some sort of scam. I am also scared about not getting my deposit back in my current place. I guess I've been pretty anxious overall...

God, ML just said in the GC how she likes "losing all her rights" (I guess is her way of saying being submissive) in bed and getting slapped and choked and wake up covered in bruises and my mind is going places it should NOT be going. I 
already jacked off earlier and now I am horny again because she gave details about what she likes in bed and ugh. Sigh! At least she has no idea I'm into her, or else I don't think she would say those things.

Pastel keeps meowing and I am not sure why. I am very sleepy, I don't think I will take another shower. Guess I gotta brush my teeth and try my best to get some sleep.

   
May 26, 2026
Fuck fuck fuck, I think ML knows about my crush. I feel like throwing up. Even canceled my gym today--I was finally going to go back to the gym but I feel like clawing at my skin ripping my insides up and throwing everything up fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck. FUCK! What a terrible fucking day jesus fuck I thought she was seeing it as me being friendly but apparently she probably doesn't and now I can't stop overthinking every fucking thing just fuck fuck fuck 

...

Ookay, some hours passed I am... calmer. I spoke to AM on the phone, played some video game, and took a long shower while listening to dramatic songs in Spanish and with some candles lit. 

I just... I don't know, I feel like maybe it isn't even just me needing to constantly move because I get bored of things but just... Like I have an expiration date? Like after a couple of years my mask starts to slip and people realize I am
not... Well, not exactly not normal, but just... Like I don't fully fit in, like I don't really know how to socialize, like I just pretend to know how to be a human. Like a farce? Like a thing, something that wasn't supposed to be
human, that wasn't... I don't know, something that was assembled wrongly, like there are missing pieces, like something was put in the wrong place? 

My glasses are dirty. I am trying to watch Paradise and write here at the same time, and my glasses are just insanely dirty. I don't know how they keep getting so dirty. I want to get up and clean them, but Pastel is laying by me and I
don't want him to get up.

I should restart Paradise, I really didn't pay enough attention to a lot of it.

Parts of the hull (?) of my laptop cracked. Some bits fell out. I don't know if there is even a way to fix it--I don't know if it can get worse.

The contract for the new place is moving along. Slowly but surely. I am still half scared of it being a scam, of this not working out, of it just... I don't know, not working out, of things going up in flames.

The plan was for next year to try to wean off my medication but I guess I really am not ready for it at all. I nearly had an anxiety attack yesterday and today too and just... Why is socializing so difficult? Why can't I do it? I can sort
of pretend for a bit, I can appear normal and fun and bubbly and charismatic but the mask always slips it always cracks. And I constantly get terrified of losing the people I allow to become close to me, of them realizing I am just... not
great, not good, just. Sigh. 

I think I will try to... I don't know, give ML less attention? Not make as many jokes and compliments and low key flirtations just... tone it back, dial it down, tone it down, something something... 

She said the other day I make her laugh nearly everyday and she wants a guy who will pay attention to her the way I do but I know she doesn't want me,and that's fine, that's fine. I know it I know it, it's alright. I just 
don't want to risk losing her friendship and not having her in my team at work or having her looking down on me, her thinking I'm silly or disgusting or whatever or finding out about my crush, I just... 

Maybe I am drawn to those drawings filled with eyes on the page that are staring at you, staring at the subject, because it's my fear? I don't like being perceived, not really. It scares me, it makes my skin crawl, I keep worrying about
how others see me, what they say, what they think.

I need to clean my glasses. I need to eat dinner. Maybe pay attention to Paradise, maybe scroll on tiktok, maybe read a fanfic. Just... drone out the noise, just... silence the thoughts, quieten my mind, not think, not think, not think.

I ordered nuggets, fries, and a small coke. The first bite from the nuggets instantly made me think of Texas as a child--I can't explain it, but somehow I feel like I tasted these exact nuggets at age 6 in Texas.

Paradise season 2 is looking promising so far.

   
May 27, 2026
I barely worked today... Woke up later than planned, felt insanely anxious throughout the morning. ASL sent a long audio apologizing again, and I sent an even longer one explaining that it wasn't her fault--I ended up getting choked up and
crying a bit, some of the audio was just silent as I tried my hardest to not cry. Fucking pathetic, to be honest. But I opened up a bit, about trauma, about not feeling normal, adequate, or whatever. Then I cried some more, felt absolutely
fucking miserable. Couldn't work for the life of me, ended up laying dowwn and just... Not doing anything. Didn't have lunch, didn't take a shower, didn't use T. Just sort of existed, while my thoughts raced. Kept mentally beating myself 
up, wondering if I was doomed to always be abnormal, to never have any type of relationship, if I should've let someone better adopt Pastel... Wondered if I would lose my job, if maybe I shouldn't move, if I should just... become a hermit? 
Not socialize anymore, just move to the middle of no fucking where and be in nature but not with other people, not socializing.

ALS and AT did reassure me, they kept saying I am great and loved--AT even went so far as to say I am really sexy, and ALS said I am very loved by everyone, and both of them tried to hype me up and tell me it's okay, I'm fine, I'm fine.
But it's so hard to believe it, and I know, I know it's at least partially the trauma talking--my upbringing, years of my mother's words turning out to be true: yes, indeed, plenty of people that I thought were my friends talked badly
about me behind my back. This happened over and over and over again--different people, different places, different fucking decades. So I guess that, even though I can smile and am cheerful and socialize, part of me never truly believes that
I am likable, not really. Part of me is still guarded, is still scared of opening up, of letting others in, of being vulnerable, of being lied to, of losing people because I am not good enough. And it's so fucking tiring. Exhausting.

AM called me and even sent me some dulce de leche. She really calmed me down, and later in the day even sent audios reassuring me that I am doing so much, that I am being brave, that I am doing things so many others are terrified of doing.
That I am good, that I am loved, that I am way better than I know, even mentioned how H was shocked about my past because I am so good so normal so happy and cheerful and light.

I canceled an appointment with a student, said something came up and we had to reschedule it. This week is being terrible for my work, and I am scared my boss will notice--I know he would be understanding, I know I am lucky to have a great
boss. But I don't want to open up, I don't want to burden yet another person.

I think the apartment will be a bust. The landlord keeps coming up with more issues, even wants to change the move in date. Maybe it's a dodged bullet, though part of me was already dreaming about the apartment.

Last night I stayed up reading fanfic until my eyes started to close. I didn't want to think of ML before sleeping; it felt wrong, after everything. Felt dirty, even. We barely talked today, though I don't think she noticed that I was a bit
more distant. I tried to keep up appearances in the groups, to not let it show too much how much of a wreak I am. Tried my best to hold the mask back up to my face.

I didn't go to the gym, again. I only did the dishes from the day before yesterday now at night, and there are still some to do. I took a half-assed shower at night too, I was already stinky. I ate some old stale parmesan biscuits and a
whey shake for my lunch, and my mom sent me money for a pizza for my dinner; I sent the money to AM, because she sent me dulce de leche and she made me feel better. She said I shouldn't have done that, but I felt like it was only fair.

IH had invited me to the movies but there were no more tickets. Part of me was relieved because I didn't feel like seeing anyone today.

I am feeling so tired. I don't want to get up to brush my teeth, pee, and grab some water. I want to lay down on top of my comforters and close my eyes, and that's all. My  body is exhausted, so are my eyes, but my mind doesn't quieten
down. It's a bit fuzzier now though, I guess. The thoughts aren't as sharp, as cutting, as visceral. They are duller, just hanging around, like some fog.

Pastel is laying close to me, but I know as soon as I move he will get out of the bed. I wish he wouldn't do that, I really want to cuddle with him and smell his fur--just really dig my nose there and stay quiet, only listening to his 
purrs. But I need to get up, I need to brush my teeth, to put the laptop away, to grab some water, to pee, to close the curtains, turn on the fan, and get under the comforters. And when I do that, I know he will slip away, and he isn't 
likely to come back before I fall asleep.

   
May 28, 2026
I woke up to Pastel sleeping by my ass. Today things got a bit better--I was slightly more okay at work. I don't think I cleaned the dishes, though, and I didn't go to the gym. But I did wash my hair and used my T gel. 

It looks like the apartment maybe won't be a bust? I might be able to get it after all. I am terrified though, because what if it's a scam What if it was some sort of divine intervention and I wasn't really supposed to get it and now I
angered some unknown god by still going after it?

I finished s2 of Paradise, and it was actually really good. Now I started The Testaments. 

I haven't had dinner yet, and I am not super hungry but I think I should eat something. IH and I ended up not going out, she had a lot of things to do around her place.

Maybe tomorrow I will finally get back to the gym. 

Also, I think I got some more sttuble than usual? Stubble? Sttuble? Gotta look up how to spell that, but not now because my battery is dying and I don't feel like charging the laptop now.