Diary

January 1, 2026 
It is so fucking hot today--at around 9:30am the real feel sensation was already 38C. It is now 13:11, and the thermometer real feel is at 39. I don't know how anyone actually  enjoys this heat. Haven't even had the courage to turn 
off the AC. 
I played some Fallout New Vegas (will I ever actually finish this game?), and re-heated yesterday's ribs--gave a small piece to Pastel, as a little "Happy New Year" type of gift.
I think I will read a bit of Stursia fanfic now, and then maybe either get back into studying a bit of HTML (it's been so long), or copy editing  (for work because why not)...
Did a full page of drawing exercises and watched two writing lectures :)
    
January 3, 2026 
Forgot to update yesterday... Basically I worked, went to the gym, and JG (a friend) came back from his trip and spent the night here. His boyfriend, P, also came over a bit (pun slightly intended, from what I gathered).
Today JG and I went to the beach--at first it felt amazing but then we noticed all the trash, likely from the New Year. Such a shame! But as we tried thinking of what to eat the ocean cleared up a bit so we went back there and I may have
forgotten to re-apply my sunscreen... Big, big mistake... Shockingly my face is pretty okay (Lizard brand really is all that!!), but my shoulders, chest, and back... oof! Let's just say I doubt I will have a nice night of sleep, and
I probably won't be able to go out at all tomorrow (today I will force myself to go to a birthday but I don't think I will be able to handle a bra).
Pastel is looking extra cozy in his bag/bed, playing with his new toy while he lays down (lazy just like me). JG went downstairs to meet with a friend. I am finally downloading the series B (another friend) recommended (to this day I still
always spell it "reccomended" for some god forsaken reason). Might also watch an uni lecture? Or practice drawing, I don't know... Kinda want to play video games but JG will likely come back soon-ish and I am not a fan of being interrupted
mid-gameplay.
    
January 4, 2026 
So, JG didn't come "soon-ish"--in fact, he didn't come over at all. Still a bit frustrated with him if I am being fully honest, but whatever. A's birthday was pretty good, though I was feeling quite nauseous and my skin felt like 
it was on fire. On the way back home I even bought a stronger "post-sun" aloe vera thing, and layered it with what I already had, plus covered myself in a cold wet towel to sleep. Ended up oversleeping, shockingly enough haha!
Today I vacuumed the house a bit and did the dishes (JG said he would do them but never did). It was raining a lot earlier in the morning, and now it's at least not as hot as the other days. Gotta go cook soon, and for once I am actually
sad that I don't have onions or carrots (tried buying some the day before yesterday at the market but they all looked so disgusting, like they were a second away from rotting). Anyways! I did some drawing exercises (walk cycle, turn around,
bouncing ball, and even a 4-panel storyboard)! All on a notebook with no plans to actually animate any of it, but it was nice! Maybe I will finally get back to drawing this year :)
Ah, I did start the series B recommended, but I don't think it's my cup of tea. Will have to think of how to break the news to him, since he loved Pluribus (which I recommended to him).
    
January 6, 2026 
Gun to my head, I don't remember what I did yesterday. I think just work, a bit of tidying up, and JG came over at night to pick up his things (and of course I made him watch the Pluribus pilot). I have a feeling I drew a bit too?
Maybe watched uni lectures? Unsure. Ohh, wait--yeah, I did my luggage I think? Or was that today?

Anyways. Today I worked, did clean the living room a bit, spent about two hours at the gym--went up in a few of the weights, which is good! Progress, progress, progress! Been reading some good Stursia fanfics too :) 
Onto the not so good news, though: mom overdosed. Again. Not even a full week into the new year, not even a full month since her last overdose. As per usual, I found out because my dad was the only one calling and picking up the
phone, so I pressed him a bit about it and lo and behold my suspicions were confirmed. We didn't dwell too much into it--what do you say after years of overdoses? I guess there isn't much left, right? Same old. I darkly chuckled that maybe
our trip wouldn't happen anymore and he echoed the sentiment. Maybe that's our way of tiptoeing around the big elephant in the room: doctors said if she kept at it her organs would likely start to...fail? I don't remember the exact language.
Hell, even overdose isn't the exact terminology here because it's fucking marijuana, and it's more of a "her body can't filter it anymore" than a "she smoked so much in one go she overdosed"! But "overdose" is the closest
term, it's easier than saying something like "she had yet another episode of Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome (CHS)" or whatever. That's too long, too complicated--nobody has the time for a whole fucking lesson, for a
mouthfull of a term--easier to just call it overdose and be done. Just like it's easier to focus on the trip, the vacation, than the health implications, than the future consequences of those actions. Will she die? Will they have enough
money to retire? To take care of themselves? Will they go into debt? Will she be hospitalized?

Overdose. Vacation. Easier. Simpler. 
Just a little dust swept under the rug--nothing to see, nothing to concern ourselves with. Out of sight, out of mind. I put the phone away, my dad turns up the television volume. Each of us drowns it out in our own way, however we can. 
Guilt claws at my throat, into my chest, rips open my ribcage. Breathe, Breathe, breathe. Focus on something else--yes, yes, there are three documents from students that still need revision, there's a work meeting tomorrow morning so
I can't do my blood work then, but maybe I can get Pastel his vaccines? It is overdue, after all! And then... Think, think, think! Gotta fill up that space so as to not dwell on it! Maybe... I can clean the house? Bake some cookies!
Maybe that brownie I have been promising the peoplle who work in the building--yes, yes, that sounds like a plan! And if there's still time left... A fanfic? Some drawing? Lectures? A game? A book? All good ideas! All helpful to keep those
cumbersome thoughts away! It's not even hot out anymore, but turning the AC on will ensure that I feel sleepier--feeling cold will probably make me fall asleep faster, and then I won't have time to worry.
Fuck, forgot my meds! Can't have that, no sir, or else I won't fall asleep. One, two, three--three pills, some of them not that little, unfortunately! Knock some whey shake back, makes them slide easier, gives me more nutrion after two toast
slices for dinner--one with nutella, one with minas cheese! Not bad, but not that nutritious I guess? Song shifted from Weyes Blood to The Smiths. I wonder if that one fanfic author posted the Stursia sequel! I think my friend (?) is still
low key trying to flirt with me--ignore, ignore, ignore. 
    
January 7, 2026 
Finished reading a really good Stursia fanfic, and that's about all I can say on the "good news" front for today. Well, that and the fact that my dad is really enjoying Pluribus!

But besides that...

It was really hard to fall asleep yesterday. I distracted myself with fanfic until midnight (very uncommon for me, I am usually asleep by 10pm), and then I kept tossing and turning. Even turned on the AC, despite the night being 
chillier, but no dice. I don't know what time I finally fell asleep, and while I vaguely remember dreaming I also think it was a nightmare (at the edge of my memory I can recall carrying a crab that pinched me in the dream--very 
unpleasant!)

Had a work meeting today, which went good actually. I put my foot in my mouth far too many times though, I really shouldn't socialize when I am not in a great mood. A student, who I admitedly disliked for the most part (pretty rude and never
sent what was asked of her) mentioned suicide and using films as escapism in her essay and that--well, it hit a bit close to home, right? Not all of it--she mentioned violence and death, and the suicide bit was not clear whether it was 
about her considering suicide, or someone close. But all in all--not exactly great for my mental health, given the current situation. On top of that, dad did vaguely mention his worries about money--not much, I think he wants to spare
me, but you know... some bits always slip through the cracks.

I made an egg to go with leftovers today, but I didn't bake. Couldn't gather the energy to do so, couldn't make up my mind about what the fuck even I should bake. I karaoked some old disney songs in the shower at the top of my lungs though
(my neighbors probably hate me now). But that's about it... Not much going on (nothing's new, nothing's new, nothing's new). I did tidy up the living room and bathroom a little bit more. Guess progress is progress, no matter how 
small, right?

I think I will have toast for dinner again, read some fanfic, maybe try watching the movie or the series the fanfic mentioned, or see if Fallout's new episode is out already. Who knows.
    
January 11, 2026
NOTE: I actually typed this out on my phone, and now I'm retyping it! I could've sworn I had done more than one entry while on my trip, but I guess I must've forgotten? Anyways, here's what I wrote on the notes app!
  
Ok so I haven't updated in a few days I think? Will have to scramble my brain to remember everything that happened.

But yesterday! I missed two alarms and went to the airport in a rush. Only when I was at the gate did I realize that I had forgotten to leave the key at the reception for AS! Had to rush out and get an uber delivery--sweated like a pig from
all the nerves.

The flight was ok; ML teased me about not being relaxed enough for someone who was on their day off. I tried the Lebanese gelato which was quite good though very expensive. SM and I met up at the hotel; it felt pretty surreal to be honesst!
Nearly two years since we had last seen each other. We had brunch with ML, and dinner with AK! Chatted so much, though I feel like I rambled. We weent to AK's place and met her cats! :)

We met up with soooo many people [today]! It was fun actually!! Met some of SM's friends, and AK's partner--all very cool!! We didn't get to do all of the cultural things we had planned but it was still really cool!
At night though I realized I found out a while back JS was being ironic and now I feel really fucking stupid. Put a wee bit of a damper on my mood. I think maybe I only understand irony when it is someone I am INSANELY close to?
    
January 17, 2026
Got back from the trip on Thursday (the 15th)! I will try to do a recap of everything from the 12th until today :)

Monday the 12th: SM and I visited Liberdade! Strolled around some stores--I even bought a manga, had been so long since I've last done that--looked at some clothes and books. Had lunch at a superb Filipino restaurant and then went to
the Sakura Card Captor collab cafe (very cute)! At night we had dinner with our boss, RP, at an Arab place, and then went to a... bar? Dive bar? Honestly, I don't know how to call it.

Tuesday the 13th: SM and I actually worked lmao. Woke up with a wee bit of a sore throat, but didn't know yet if it was the AC, the night out, or a cold (spoiler: it was a cold). Got some Russian food delivered (absolute banger), and
at night we went to a Japanese restaurant with ACM. That's where my troubles really took a dive lol! The Karagee Curry was way spicier than I expected, and I barely slept that night. The night was really good though! I got so nervous every
time ACM reached out to touch my hands and arms, felt like a loser virgin (no offense to virgins, though I am not one--but I felt like I lived in a basement and had never known the touch of a beautiful woman).
Wednesday the 14th: SM and I went to the office! CPe (look, I am spelling her name like this because just CP feels wrong) asked if I was a mirage (god, I could've combusted right then and there) and hugged me. All of my
crushes did, to be fair. Felt like heaven, even though I was miserable. I mentioned feeling nauseous and ML quickly got me some meds. Took them, started nearly drifting away from my soul during CPe's presentation, and by the end I
realized I really would need to go back to the hotel to pass out and likely throw up. Everyone at the office was worried about me, especially HR (CO? I think it's O) and my crushes (ML, CPe, ACM). Felt like a lamb being held! They were so
helpful and kind and ugh I regretted not going back to the office (I told them I would be back but alas the meds knocked me out cold! I only woke up to throw up, twice). Still, at night SM and I went to Karaoke because c'mon, last night in
Sao Paulo! Most people skipped it, unfortunately, but I got to meet some new people (L from out of the company and LL, who I had only ever "met" briefly online). AK and her partner (N...something) went, as did IB! We barelyy sang to be 
honest--we mostly gossiped lol.
Thursday the 15th: Felt shockingly better. SM and I had lunch with ALS, her partner, and their babies! So freaking cute! It was so refreshing talking in English again, I truly had missed it. And I really missed them!! It was really 
nice!! SM and I almost lost our flights haha.

Overall Sao Paulo was great! We also got to meet up with APS, which was great because we hadn't seen her in so long! Met so many people whose company I enjoyed, saw sooooo many people with alternative fashion and hmmm more of a... free
gender expression? If that makes sense? I feel like Rio lacks that a lot of the time. Saw so many butches and mascs, I was so fucking happy! And we had so much delicious food, though next time I gotta focus on having a nice lunch and very
light dinner so as not to get sick again.

Yesterday I mostly worked and nap after my meds. Today I told a friend (? he hits on me a bit so hm, friend but still a man so of course it's complicated) a bit about my gender... gender. Got asked about pronouns, and actually
answered this time around. I am set on starting T in April, no matter what--I feel like everything is showing me that it is time, I have dwelled on it too long already. I am excited and nervous! I look in the mirror, and I close my eyes,
and I keep picturing how much I will change. Will I change? Externally? Internally? Will I want to stop? Or to increase the dosage? I don't know, and I've always been terrified of the unknown. But it is also... a bit exciting. 

I already have a plan, more or less. I told very few people about planning on starting, and after I officially start start I will tell a few more (most likely AT and ALS... maybe APS too). Then once changes start to slowly show up I will
do another round of "coming out".
As for my parents... I think I will probably wait until I cannot hide it anymore. Maybe I will tell my dad, but not my mom, that's for sure. Maybe my aunt? 

For now, I don't really care about pronouns all that much... In public, I guess She in Portuguese, She or They in English. He is fine in either language in private, but not in public. Not yet. This might change if my appearance changes and 
I start "passing". We shall wait and see, I guess!

Oh, I did find a Rugby shirt at a thrift store :) It was still a bit pricey, but hey--I've been looking for one for a while now! In Rio it will be nearly impossible to use it, but I am starting to think that I may end up moving to Sao Paulo
in the not so distant future.

I think that's it for updates :) It's already 10:35PM, I need to take my meds and head to bed, pronto!
    
January 18, 2026
Lmao ok so yesterday I was deadass thinking of who I would come out to, what order, yadda yadda... Well! Turns out CO apparently at some point told AK that I'm trans! Mind you, I never told her that, so I guess she just... assumed?
Based on my name? Looks? Who knows! It's a lawsuit waiting to happen but eh, I like my job too much so I guess during the office event this year I will pull her aside and mention that she shouldn't do this again because another person
might've not been so laidback about it. Anyways! Ended up having the whole gender conversation with AK, opened up a bit, told her about my plans of starting T in April, all that jazz.

Besides that... The day went really well! Pastel didn't want to eat properly, which isn't good but also isn't surprising given the heat. I met up with N(something), AK, and met three of their friends! We got brunch together and then
did some turisty stuff--was way nicer than I expected, but I did end up spending money (which I wasn't planning on doing before the end of the month). But eh, you only live once, right?

My health is geteting better, but I am expelling a lot of... *google translate* phlegm? Had to spit in public today, which was nasty.

The soap opera is irritating me, I might have to find a cut of only the lesbian scenes because nearly every other character pisses me off. 

I think that's about it! I saw some amazing sextoys online and I am sitting on my hands to not order them and have them delivered to my parents' (wayyyy too expensive to get it shipped here). But man oh man, they look quite good! Yesterday
(I think?) I spent an embarassing amount of hours fantasizing about ML and creating scenarios of us with friends... I should stop that but eh, it's fun to jsut let your imagination run wild sometimes, right?

I will do a nasal flush now, take my meds, give Pastel his fresh food, and probably read fanfic before falling asleep. Night-night!
    
January 22, 2026
Holy shit, I didn't realize it had been so long since I updated?? I've been SO tired and sleepy lately, for no apparent reason! It's driving me nutsssss!! When it gets to like, 6pm, I am already craving sleep.

Ok, fuck, what happened this week? Uhhhh... I went grocery shopping at some point... Baked my parmesan biscuits (fuck they hit SO hard but maybe they are somehow making me sleepy??)... Cooked some "fettucine alfredo" (a sorry imitation of 
it)... Oh, I cleaned the house, finally! It was sooooo dusty! Vaccumed and swiped the floors, plus two laundries! I haven't folded everything yet though... Was supposed to do that today but ended up going to a doctor's appointment,
groceries (again), and washing the pile of dishes (mostly from yesterday).

I had forgotten how insanely attractive my doctor was and felt so awkward when she was taking my measurements and getting my heartbeat. It was pathetic the way I tried to focus on anything else so my heartbeat would stay normal lol.
I did tell her about wanting to start T after we deal with the whole thyroid shit though!! So yay? It's becoming a bit easier to tell people and it's making it feel more real, in a way. 

Ok, I am already falling asleep, I need to turn off the laptop and throw myself into bed. Fuck, what the hell is happening to me?
    
January 24, 2026
I had some weird ass dream last night about losing track of time, legit forgetting about whole days, sometimes weeks... And this diary was what made me realize that! Very weird nightmare.

Anyways! Tried making vietnamese coffee again... failed again. Last time it was too weak, this time too strong. Besides that, I spent the day binge watching Ponies (2026) and started All Her Fault (2026). I don't even remember if I took a
shower (though I am almost sure I didn't). Looked up a few options for my future trip with SM (in case we can't save enough for China and/or Japan lmao). Poland seems like a good option! I'm shocked I didn't think of going there while I was
living in Budapest smh. Lithuania also looks like a great option, but it seems like the cool places are a bit more spread out? So I'm not sure how feasible it would be without a car... Will have to check on that!

Well, my curiosity got the best of me. It's actually not too hard to get around with Flixbus, and it looks like it would be cheaper than traveling around China so it might be a good option while we save money for a bigger trip?
    
February, 2 2026
Hey heyyy, long time no see! Uh, where should I start... Well, right now the sound on my TV sounds busted as hell and I honestly can't say why? Sounds muffled??? Like idk the speakers just went to shit? I hope this is temporary!!

Regarding trip with SM: I really think Poland would be the best option! Maybe with a little Greece sprinkled in, but yeah. We could do a whole roadtrip from the south to the north!! SM's friend (LA) also suggested we do S. America so she
could join, but SM said that it would only work for her if it coincided with her trip to Brazil, which... Wouldn't work for me. I mean, maybe it would? I still don't know how my parents will react with me going on T (I am assuming they will
find out before Christmas) so who knows... But current plan is to spend it with them.

Besides that... Well, my foot's bump (?) is back. I don't think it's a blister because 1) I never get blisters in that area, 2) it doesn't look like my regular blisters?, 3) it keeps coming back? Anyways. Might need to check with a doctor,
just in case. And talking about doctors: I gotta check my eyesight, soon. And dermatologist! But ugh, I hate going to the doctor. Such a drag!! Also gotta take Pastel to the vet for his vaccines and yearly check up. And tomorrow I  gotta 
get my blood drawn again to see if we can go through with the thyroid procedure thingy. 

Besides that... Met someone off of Bumble BFF!! She's from Germany and honestly it went way better than I expected!! I am meeting someone from England this week too, if everything goes accordingly. 

Pastel is looking extra cute right now taking a nap on top of the cardboard box I still use to put my laptop higher (yes, I neeed to invest into those little table thingies).

I skipped gym today, but overall I've been going pretty consistently! I do wish the gains came faster though--I feel like my arms haven't been growing as much anymore, and I don't see any difference yet on the chest or back. Maybe I should
really get the personal trainer to update my training.

Landlord hasn't given me the contact of the gas person again which is frustrating, since I lost it. I will have to ask again unfortunately ugh. The stove has been acting extra shitty lately!

    
February, 18 2026
Hooooly shit! I knew it had been a while since I last updated this, but not that it had been THAT long! Shame on me! Uh let's start from the last entry I guess... TV sounds fine now, so who knows what the hell had happened! I've been 
having quite a few nightmares... Had many involving Pastel (from being afraid of him getting a disease from another cat, to forgetting to get a catsitter for two weeks while abroad), had at least one where my parents and I had a terrible
fight, had one where someone used my birth name and then suddenly everyone else started using it too... I guess I must be stressed? On edge? Who knows anymore (surely not me!). 

My foot still has the bump and now I think it might be a callous (news to me! I rarely ever got callouses). I got my eyesight checked and yup, really need glasses. They should be done soon, hopefully. I am trying to get a dermatologist
appointment to check some freckles, spots, yadda yadda. I got Pastel on a health plan (yeah, really) and plan on taking him to get his shots this week or next. The thyroid procedure thing had to be pushed back--not because of my exam,
that actually came out really well--because of Carnival, my doctor being away for awhile, and then me being away. So it will happen a little after Easter which... heavy sigh.

Look, I really wanted to get it done soon not only because--well, you know, there's a damn nodule on my thyroid, but also because I wanted to hop on T! By doing it before March I could start T on April... Now it might have to be pushed
back to what? May? June? Which, I know, I know! I've been mulling over HRT for over a damn decade, but damn. I had everything planned in my head, everything set. So this put a bit of a damper on my mood. Also I noticed my dysphoria
has been getting worse? Which is... Hm! I guess it's harder to put the genie back in the bottle than to keep it locked away? Someone called me handsome and I felt so fucking good! Then more than one friend called me linda and... I don't 
know, it felt... off. Left a bitter taste on my tongue. My friend took a picture of me where I know I look good, but I look so feminine it feels weird looking at it. It's like looking at an attractive woman but not into a mirror?
I don't know how to explain this feeling. It's... weird. 

Well, besides that... I went out with german friend again! It waas quite nice!! And the british too!! Really good, and solidified that I go prefer speaking in English when I am talking in the first person (god, this makes me feel like such 
a vira-lata). I also joined a Pluribbus GC group (the person who called me handsome is from there) which has been interesting so far!

Still no personal trainer, but I have been pretty good at going to the gym. It has been so unbearably hot lately though that some days I barely want to get out of bed. I think my biceps grew a tiny bit, but besides that there doesn't seem
to be any difference. I thought I waas looking skinnier but now I feel like I look fat, though that might be PMS bloating.

Landlord did finally give me the contact of the gas person but I didn't get that sorted yet. Such a hassle!